My diary – going backwards

Well today i quit therapy, not surprising seeing as i seem to be isolating myself from everyone at the moment!! This week i have tried so hard to better myself and all that’s happened is that we’ve gone spiralling backwards.  Right now i’m numb…some of them inside are going to be devastated that we’ve quit therapy but i don’t feel anything, tomorrow will probably be very different though.  I’m just a crap person and one thing is for sure, it’s no good me trying to better myself without a therapist now!! I try to move forwards and either one or more of them inside do everything to hold us back.  I’m tired of fighting

I’m so sorry i haven’t been able to comment to any replies on the previous couple of posts…i have tried i just have no words right now

The day after….my diary

It might sound strange but i’ve tried really hard today to recall the memories that were brought up yesterday when i went jogging but i can’t access them…i don’t remember a single one!! In a way i don’t want to remember them but i’m trying to figure out what’s going on.  The only knowledge i have is that memories were recalled so who has them??

I don’t recall much of last night at all, i do recall trying to be positive yesterday and even starting a support group with friends who want to lose weight and yesterday losing weight seemed so easily possible..the change?? well today i’ve had a bacon roll, hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows and been to mcdonalds.  The pattern is still there about trying to better myself and it being sabotaged by someone else internally…..

Who am I? am i the one who was positive yesterday and have been taken over by someone else today or was i taken over by someone else yesterday and the one i am now is me?? Obviously, someone else is coming forward to sabotage things and who is it?? I always thought i new who ‘me’ was, a few years a go i faced the reality that i didn’t really know but kept pushing to the back of my mind because i couldn’t face it but without facing it i can’t stop the sabotaging that goes on either.

How can i back to a support group i started and tell everyone what i’ve eaten today after being so positive yesterday? and this is what my life is like, avoiding situations because i can’t explain the truth to people.  The questions are still there though, who am ‘i’ who is ‘me’ ..who keeps taking my memory and then using it against me? or who is holding my memory and only releasing it to stop me bettering myself?

My head hurts, there are other things going on that i can’t write about on here…other ones inside who are doing their best to stop us talking about memories we do have….

I feel like i’m going round and round in circles and i’ve lost who ‘i’ am.  Does that matter? yes it does because at the moment i have no identity and that hurts

Tried to be positive….

When i woke up this morning i was determined that today was going to be ok and sure felt it until i went for a run.  I hadn’t been running long when the negative talk started internally. This always happens when i try to do something to better myself.  The voices started and brought up loads of memories of things i’ve done wrong in my life.  I tried to counteract them by repeating positive self affirmations and talking louder than they were but having that many memories and those kind of memories brought to the front were just too much….

I have tried my absolute best to keep going today but i’m sinking fast.  I guess that a positive thing is that it’s reminded me what happens and what to talk to t about but it doesn’t take away the fact that i feel so small and defeated right now because being reminded of all my wrongs like that is defeating!! It’s like others inside have this catalogue and keep it safe until they want to bring  me down.  After such a  positive start to today and i’m once again in tears and it’s still only the afternoon

19th September 2014

T sent a lovely email last night, telling me that i’m not responsible for what happened..i so wish i could feel that in my heart but i don’t!! I feel it so strongly that i am responsible that i don’t know how to reply to the email and i have such a headache!!…..

I am so grateful to our 14 yr old who’s name I will shorten to A…because without her i don’t know how we would have kept going.  The only things i know about her are from what t and my hubby tell me and the picture she has drawn of herself…it’s interesting how others inside see themselves…

May be one day i will know more about her!!

I feel pretty rubbish today and also feel the need to go for exercise.  At the moment there is a big thing going on about us losing weight..i totally agree that we do need to lose weight but i am also worried this is going to turn into an anorexia thing again.  We go from one extreme to the other, either not eating or eating loads of the wrong stuff and piling the weight on.  I think what will help is if the scales are hidden so that we can only weigh ourselves once a month may be and hide the tape measure aswell…atleast then it can’t become an episode where we are on the scales morning, noon and night.  I’m about to go jogging and although my body feels exhausted in another way it might be a good stress release.  I have weighed us today and we are 12 stone 12…hopefully it will be a month before we have another weigh in, i cannot let anorexia take over again!!

Well, i was going to go  jogging but it’s now pouring down with rain and this has seriously sent my head dissociating

Hate myself……

I got to talk to t for about the last 10 minutes of the session today, the rest was taken up by the others.  I tried to share a memory, i’ve already shared bits of it but i just didn’t have the words.  T sat there, wiping my tears away, i didn’t have it in me to do it myself.  The way t cares and sat their patiently with tissue drying my face because i couldn’t….i just dont get it, why would someone want to do that for me!! especially after revealing part of the memory, why is t even still talking to me!!

I hate myself….DO YOU HEAR THAT  WORLD – I FUCKING HATE MYSELF, HATE – HATE – HATE

the pain in my body this morning where the others have hurt it was unbearable but yet in other ways comforting…comforting to know that they realise how much hate there is!!

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remembering Infinity: Perfectly Imperfect

Love this post xx

Remembering Infinity

The “flaws” we see in ourselves are really just the special differences that make us wonderfully unique!

So, let me ask. When was the last time you really appreciated you?

Oh, sure—if you’re anything like me, you probably glance at yourself in a mirror every morning while brushing your teeth or your hair. You’re probably in a rush to go wherever—and one of the last things you notice is that new wrinkle, gray hair, or blemish. Then you dash off, perhaps wishing you were a little taller, better looking, or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. This is because most of us tend to look at ourselves with an overly critical eye—and we are, quite often, our own worst critics.

To be sure, advertising, popular culture, and the mainstream media have conditioned us to feel that way. They do their best to run us down…

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Broken hearted….

Unfortunately it seems as if someone inside has been at it again and have either hidden or thrown away some very special jewellery that was given to me a few years a go by someone very special to me who passed away last year.  My only hope is that it’s been hidden somewhere and will eventually turn up, although i have looked everywhere so i think it’s been thrown away…..

so often i hear people say things about not letting possessions keep a hold of you in life but when they are from someone special, they mean everything to you.  And when you know that others inside take things away from you, friendships, goals etc those little things you have become even more meaningful….

I live in a world where i dont know what is going to happen from one hour to the next.  Earlier on this year i put a lot of effort into not dissociating but it didn’t work and all it did was lead to exhaustion and more problems internally.  I kind of decided in the last week to try and work with insiders more but it’s too hard when they do things like this!!

Dissociation…..

Because I am in such a bad way at the moment, my  lovely  hubby took me out for a few hours this afternoon and it was nice to get out for a bit.  We went walking by the docks and I stood looking at the boats thinking how nice it would be to sail away on one…..

that’s when i had an ‘aha’  moment in regards to dissociation because in a way, i did used to ‘sail away’ in my  head and others inside would be left to deal with whatever was going on at the time…..

Some time a go, our internal poet wrote the poem below.  The poem starts with talking about a girl in a picture.  The picture refers to the kind of photographs that shouldn’t be taken of children but that’s as much as i want to say about that.  The verses to go with it, talk about being somewhere else….it’s a kind of reference to dissociation and ‘going off somewhere else’ while the unpleasant stuff is going on.  This kind of explains a little about the split in personality, as one is left having the photos taken and another one goes off somewhere else in the mind (the coping mechanism).  The final verse is about finding that little girl who had to cope with all that….she is still inside somewhere, i don’t yet know who she is

The girl in the picture, is that me?
No, No, I wasn’t there,
I was riding the biggest, whitest horse
you’ve ever seen
Over fields and meadows with grass so
green
We rode for hours
We were so free
The girl in the picture?
No, that wasn’t me

Am I the girl in the photo you have in your
hand?
Don’t be silly, of course not, how could it be?
I was with my friends, I had such a lot
We went shopping and spent every penny
we’d got
Jewellery, make-up, nice clothes that we
saw
We had such fun and bought more and
more
The girl in the picture?
No, that wasn’t me

Am I the girl in the picture that you’re
looking at?
No, I couldn’t be
I was busy that day having fun
Down at the beach, so much to be done
I swam in the soothing, cooling sea
Built sandcastles in the sand
It was so good to be free
The girl in the picture?
No, that wasn’t me

I hope one day that girl can be found
I believe that she hid, underground
Taking with her the shame, the guilt and the
fear
Believing that no one wants to hear
If I ever find her
I’ll hold out my hand
Tell her she’s not alone and together we’ll
stand
I’ll wrap her in the softest, fluffiest cloud from above
And show her the deep warmth of my love

The girl in the picture?

Please don’t let it be me

 

Dissociative Identity Disorder

This is such a wonderful post by Heathers Helpers and explains dissociation much better than I could ever do

Heathers Helpers

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is portrayed in the media as some sort of wacky, wild, really cool to watch phenomenon. If that isn’t their angle? They are usually discussing the controversy of the diagnoses. I understand all that but I feel that perhaps if I share what it means to me, it will take the confusion out of it for some people. I can try right?

Everyone has multiple personalities/identities. Yes, even you.
If you stop to think about it, you are not the same when out with your friends as you would be if you were out with your children. You are different with your spouse than you would be with your parents. You can become professional at work then transform to a carefree spirit when you go out for an evening with your best buddy. Even your pets get a different side of you. Yeah… I know all…

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About me……

oh gosh,  i’m so not sure if i’m doing the right thing here or not.  I wasn’t going to write about this at all on here but it’s part of who i am and by not writing about it, it’s interfering with my writing because i’m so conscious of things not seeming right, especially to my friends, so, here goes –

i have dissociative identity disorder, previously known as multiple personality disorder.  I realise that this condition freaks a lot of people out which is why so few people in my life know about it.  People know something is wrong, they aren’t stupid, they see me go from being one way one minute to another way the next, for example – being on a high and none stop talking to suddenly not being able to talk at all.  I have lost many people in my life because of this, i havn’t told them about what it’s called in the fear that they would walk away but they have walked away anyway and i don’t blame them for that at all –

People see me as odd and that fills me up so much with shame because i’m unable to do anything about it.  I do have people who have stayed by my side without knowing the condition i have and i am so grateful to have those people in my life –

I have no idea how many other personalities there are inside me, i asked my counsellor to stop telling me after he told me there were over 20 because i couldn’t face it.  I always knew there were a couple but had no idea about the rest.  That probably sounds strange, how could i not know!! but i didn’t and i don’t.  I lose time and try to figure out whats happened during that time i’ve lost and that’s about as much as i know –

From what i know their ages go from young children up to adults and each one has different needs – i only know about that from what my counsellor has told me and what i’ve read about this condition.  It’s interesting that some people don’t believe this condition exists.  There are  medical professionals who know without doubt that it’s real and try to fight for people like me and then there are other medical professionals who don’t believe it exists at all.  I’m sure if they were to spend just half a day inside my head, they would be left with no doubt at all –

My t refers to it as a survival mechanism, it was a way of coping with things that happened and as much as i try to see it in that way, i still hate myself for being like this.  My hubby is very good and tries to understand as much as he can.  He spends time with a 14 yr old who goes by a different name to me – yes i understand if that sounds really freaky –

Things are really bad here at the moment with some inside wanting to die and others inside wanting to self harm.  The self harmers won early this morning because it was either let them do what they wanted or let the suicide ones win..i couldn’t compete with them all.  I guess it sounds weird to hear that i had to allow them to self harm in order to stay alive…..

Two of my friends T and T saved my life this morning..i don’t know yet if they realise that!! After the self harming had happened i really hoped things would ease but others inside wanted to take it further and i was fighting a losing battle, however, i had a message from two beautiful friends and although they didn’t know what the problem was, they knew i was in trouble and it’s their caring that made me realise i just have to keep on fighting…..

I can’t explain why these dark feelings are there, I know they are there but they aren’t ‘my’ issues, they belong to others inside and i don’t understand why.  My friends are so lovely and give me the option to talk to them but what can i say when i don’t understand it myself?? –

I have many fabulous things going on in my life and don’t want to die but it isn’t ‘me’ who wants too.  I have lost people in my life through suicide and i desperately don’t want to put other people through the after effects of something like that.  The first one i can recall was when i was around 8, i was with a male adult family friend and he asked me to go sit on his lap and when i did he started crying and asked me not to tell anyone so i didn’t.  It wasn’t long after that when he took is  own life and i know that if i hadn’t of kept my promise and told someone, he would still be alive today.  My logical head reminds me that at 8 i probably wouldn’t have understood properly but my heart cries for him often and i so wish i could get that moment back and speak out for him.  I don’t want to put other people through that but i can’t help what goes on inside of me –

I know i am in trouble and i’m going to try and get emergency help today, this just adds to the shame but i know how much it is needed at the moment.  I am fighting with every breath i have but sometimes i think i’m just fighting against something that is going to happen anyway but i will still try!!