Finding myself…….

So much has been happening and unfortunately it’s not all been good things! After being hurt pretty badly i was left in a state of not knowing how to continue and sadly so were many of the others inside and this is still very much a prominent feeling now.  I spoke with one of the people who has caused a lot of hurt the other day.  One of the things this person has done was to do something spiritually to us that we don’t and i don’t agree with and so tried to explain my beliefs.  One of the things i said was that we all have different beliefs, i was trying to explain how my beliefs are different to his own and he told me that my beliefs are wrong! I wonder how someone who is a spiritual person, a spiritual teacher etc believes they have the right to tell someone else their own beliefs are wrong! I totally understand that we all believe in different things but that doesn’t give anyone the right to tell someone else their beliefs are wrong and spirituality to me means accepting differences and certainly not doing things by carrying out spiritual acts without the person’s permission and then claiming it’s ok to do it because it’s what they believe is right…….

This was kind of a final straw for me with this person who has already caused a lot of hurt and it left me questioning many things spiritually but my own spiritual guides have confirmed that my beliefs are right for ‘me’ and i know i can’t let someone else try to take me away from own spiritual path…….

In an effort to try and help myself feel worthy of being alive i’ve spent a lot of time doing spiritual readings and trying to help others spiritually.  I have absolutely loved this because i love helping other people and, rather selfishly, it has given me a reason to feel good about myself in one area of life.  What has dawned on me though during the last few weeks is that while trying to be the best i can be for other people, i’ve actually lost some of my own spiritual path, i’ve not spent any time focusing on my own healing and the only way for me to improve my life is for me to spend time on my own healing.  The levels of stress i’ve been experiencing have been huge and because of something that has happened, which i’ve not yet been able to talk about to anyone, i’ve reached the point of exhaustion and have been drawing away from other people.  For a little ‘pick me up’ the other day i went and had my hair done but it wasn’t the pick me up i was hoping for as my hairdresser told me my hair was falling out ……..

I’ve realised i need time to myself in order to start healing myself again and to recover and also to gain some focus back on my own spiritual journey, so this morning i’ve done a chakra cleansing meditation and it turned out to be far more beautiful than i was expecting……

As i sent up a white connection to the higher Angelic realms i actually ‘saw’ the connection in the meditation and the Angels surrounding this connection and felt the pure unconditional love and support that was being sent my way….

I then started opening my chakras in order to cleanse them and as i worked with the Angels to do this i felt more connected to my chakras than i ever have done before.  In all this time i’ve never thought chakras as beautiful but this is exactly what was coming through in the meditation, that each one was beautiful and as i spent time with each chakra and paid attention to the thoughts popping in to my head, i was able to tell which emotional hurts laid in which chakra, for example – my heart chakra felt very heavy and almost instantly it was the spiritual hurt from this person that i was shown, i was lead to opening the chakra fully and breathing out the darkness that lay in the chakra and when it felt that had been released, it was them time to breathe new clean energy into it.  I totally loved the whole experience this morning and feeling more connected than ever before, it’s an experience i will always be truly grateful for……..

This afternoon i’m going to do some spiritual dancing, this is something i do but don’t do anywhere near as often as i should! when doing spiritual dancing i feel a closer connection to my guides than is possible for me at other times as during the dancing i start taking on their characteristics etc and always feel more alive than ever after spending time with such a strong a connection to their amazing beautiful energy……

In 5 weeks times my exams will be over and then i have a study break until next year.  This is a welcome break as it means i will get more time to focus on my writing and the continuation of my book which is about spirituality, healing from trauma and the ego.  Hopefully if i can use this as my focus, it means we have something to cling on to and not sink any further than we did over the last few weeks !!

Finally got my passwords back!!

I haven’t had access to my emails or my blog for the last few months because someone inside obviously decided I wasn’t going to be writing for a while, fortunately though the passwords came back to me this morning so may be whoever it was stopping me, has gone into hiding for a while!

It’s been a strange few months, some good and some bad things.  I now have a psychiatrist and a social worker and i have to say, my social worker is great.  She stops the psychiatrist from going too far and she wrote me a lovely letter saying that i could contact her anytime.  Unfortunately things are bad with our therapist, i’m not sure we will ever get the trust back and that’s heartbreaking but i guess time will tell!

The psychiatrist was asking me lots of questions about what it’s like inside and I couldn’t answer all his questions properly.  He kept asking me what it’s like to be (A) but i couldn’t reply because i don’t know…i have no conscious awareness of what she’s like, i just know that i’ve been missing time.  The only descriptions i could give were what my husband has told me but they spoke to him and apparently i didn’t have it quite right.  The psychiatrist kept asking me over and over..what is it like being (A) but i don’t know!! The question that threw me the most though was when he asked how i felt about her? was i jealous of her? this had me stumped because i’ve not exactly thought about that before.  I dont like the others inside very much but when i think about it, may be i am jealous of her yes because she is more carefree than i am and i would love to be like that!

We’ve recently been away for a few days which was nice but i know we were switching a lot and i was very aware of younger ones coming forward.  We stayed in a lovely village and on the first afternoon i went for a walk on my own while my hubby had a pint in the pub.  The walk was going lovely until at the end of one of the country roads there were workmen…as soon as i was aware of them i became aware of P inside not wanting to walk passed them because of being too ugly and them laughing **mention of trauma** at 4/5 years of age P was repeatedly stamped on my a group of men who called her ugly – this is something that affects us daily but thats all i’m able to mention about that at the moment

Have been fighting self harm all week but so far managing to conquer it.  One day i’m going to be free!!

in no man’s land….

there has been a major falling out with our therapist after something he did.  It wasn’t intentionally done, done in a nasty way i mean  but it was something he knew meant a lot to me and it pretty much broke my heart.  I reacted badly, that was down to the hurt and an awful lot of hurt came up to the top over serious things he’s done in the past.  He has helped a lot but he’s also caused some major shit….

Trying to discuss this latest incident by email wasn’t working and so i suggested a telephone call as i was too ill to get to his place and really couldn’t face being in that room at the time but he refused a telephone call which he never has in the past…he even rang me once!!

this rejection, him not even wanting to know by email if we are ok after what has happened has hit us really really hard.  the only way i can function is to work 24/7, a part from when i lose time and one of the others takes over….but we don’t eat, don’t sleep, we have fallen very hard and at the moment i can’t get back up

someone said to me the other week ‘there are other therapists out there’ and yes, thats true but after some of the things that have happened with this therapist i really don’t think i could trust anyone else.  i know we should be in hospital right now, i know how ill we are but i don’t want to go.  there is so much more to this that i can’t explain on here and i don’t have the words to try and explain it anyway. it brings up so much past trauma and affects so many others inside, we are triggered to the max and  right now there is nothing i can do about it because its like we are frozen with pain, fear, rejection and abandonment.  i can quite understand anyone else reading this thinking that this sounds like nothing, like it shouldn’t afffect us so badly but like i say, there is much much more that i can’t write about in a public space.  i am so lost

heart broken

one of our very beloved pets is dying and this is so totally heart breaking but not only that, the only person we’ve ever trusted with our ‘story’ has let us down so badly that it is impossible to talk.  this is no  one online by the way, this is someone off line

tonight we lost our pet and the person we thought was on our side and who meant the world to us

today has been too much and we are devastated

…………..

keep putting one foot in front of the other

why?

because it’s what you are supposed to do

what about if i don’t want to anymore?

then you won’t reach your destination

but what about if i have reached my destination?

you won’t know that until keep on trying and pushing forwards

but what if i don’t have the energy anymore? because i don’t

then find it

from where?

from your hidden reserves deep down inside you

i think i used all those up a long time a go

there are always extra reserves

no there aren’t, thats just what people want you to believe

they say it because it’s true

no, they say it when they don’t have to walk that path you are walking and so they keep saying everything is going to be ok

it is your own thoughts that are keeping you blocked and stuck where you are

no, it is my life experience that things will never get any better

you have the choice and you ‘can’ choose to move forwards

move forwards in this world of paranoia i live in?

yes, learn how to conquer it

but how can i do that when i’ve learnt so many lessons the hard way that all that will happen is that i get hurt

you take things slowly, one step at a time, one day at a time

and wait until i get hurt again? fuck that

 

Please don’t pay me any compliments!!

Please don’t pay me any compliments is something i want to shout out to the world right now…i can’t take them, don’t know how to accept them, never feel like i deserve them and it sends us all spiralling inside…..

you wouldn’t think getting a compliment could send you suicidal, would you??

i love that through readings i am able to help people out in some small way but i hate how some people put me on some kind of pedestal and say things like ‘you are amazing’…..

no i’m not, you aren’t seeing the ‘whole’ of me when you say things like.  I wonder if people would still feel the same if they knew how many personalities we have?? i wonder if people would still feel the same if they knew about my past??

it makes me want to run.  it’s so lovely of people to post nice comments but i can’t deal with them, others inside want to self harm over them because it triggers off so many things.

Think i need to work through this issue slowly

Connecting to your animal spirit guides –

We all have animal spirit guides who walk with us through our journey in life.  They help bring us guidance and lessons to learn in this lifetime.  Some may be with us all the time, others may come and go as we learn and push through our challenges that face us

Very often we are given signs that they are with us but don’t register that we are being given these signs…how often does the same animal appear to you, in your garden?  on adverts? on television? or pop into your mind etc? if you find the same animal keeps appearing in different ways then you can be pretty sure you are being sent a sign that the animal is your spirit guide and is waiting to help you on your  journey

Here is one meditation that can help bring a deeper connection to your animal spirit guides – While listening to relaxing music, do some deep breathing and relaxation etc and when you are in a relaxed state, ask you Angels to help guide you to where your animal spirit guides are.  Visualise yourself walking a long a path in beautiful serence forest that you know is totally safe.  As you walk a long the path look ahead of you and see a hole either in the ground or in a tree.  Climb down into the hole and travel down it until you reach the bottom.  When you reach the bottom you will find another beautiful serence landscape and feel the sun shining down on you.  Walk a long the path infront of you and ask your animal spirit guide to come forwards and they will come and meet you as you are walking a long.  Spend some time with your animal spirit guide and ask them to help you understand the lessons they are bringing you.  When the time is right, walk back a long the path, climb up through the hole and back into the forest where you will come back to the here and now.  Spend a few moments getting to used to being back in the here and now and thank your animal spirit guides and angels for their help

Another mediation is to imagine you are walking down through the inside of a cave, as you reach the bottom you notice a pond, as you look into the pond you see the reflection of your animal spirit guide

Each animal spirit guide has their own unique qualities they bring to help you.  There is a lot of research available on what each of the animal spirit guides represent

Transformation –

Knowing that the Frog is one of my animal spirit guides for the time being, I don’t want to waste the lessons and guidance that are being brought to me so i’ve spent some time thinking about the frog’s transformation from tadpole to frog and what it is i can transform about myself.  In all honesty there is A LOT about me that needs improving lol however, one step at a time i think 🙂

One transformation that can make a big impact on my life is changing my negative thought patterns.  I can’t change this completely at the moment due to ‘others’ inside and their own negative thinking but i can work on my own issues.  I’ve allowed far too much time to negative thinking and all it has done is hold me back in life and i’ve found a couple of ways of starting to overcome this..ways that work for ‘me’ anyway!!

When i find negative thoughts starting to enter my mind i start singing a song.  This is something that can be done anywhere because even if you are out and about, you can do it silently in your head.  Having to consciously remember the words distracts my mind from those negative thoughts, they no longer have the room to build up out of proportion in my mind.  I still get voices from the others inside but at least it helps me to keep a check on my ‘own’ thoughts

Another way that works well for me is working with the Angels.  There are different ArchAngels connected to different days of the week, today..Wednesday, is ArchAngel Gabriel and his divine white ray.  When a negative thought enters my mind i imagine connecting to his divine white ray, imagine it surrounding my body and breathing it in.  Again, this stops negative thoughts from having room to take over my mind.  Interestingly, after I’d connected with ArchAngel Gabriel this morning, i heard the words ‘I am lord of the divine’.  I’m sure this is a message that will make more sense to me as time goes by 🙂

I’ve been wanting to get healthier for a while but have been struggling with this especially as i’ve wanted to exercise to lose weight but not getting very far with it.  The night before last i was trying Shamanic dreaming, this is where you say a few times in your mind before you go to sleep, what you would like answers too.  I did this with ‘what did i need to do to get healthy and lose weight’.  Nothing happened that night, i don’t remember dreaming anything, however, the next morning a random letter came from our doctors practice about quitting smoking, coincidence?? i think not!! I struggle to exercise because i’m out of breath due to the smoking so i was definitely being sent a sign.  This isn’t going to be an easy transformation though because smoking has been my best friend for a very long time.  It has always been the one constant in my life, when so many people have turned and walked away from me, my cigarettes have remained my faithful friend and have always been by my side.  I can turn to them in any crisis and they are always there, they never ridicule me, bully me, laugh at me or judge me.  I realise how ricidulous that sounds when the reality is that they are most probably killing me!! These are thought patterns that started as a child though and now i guess it’s time to change them and have a more suitable ‘crutch’ as someone in my 40’s.  I know others of ‘us’ smoke so for now i’ll just have to concentrate on my own thoughts about this!!

Thinking about smoking always being my friend has brought up things that hurt me for a long time.  Many people came into my life and went again because of seeing me as ‘strange’.  The D.I.D has major consequences on friendships, however, it wasn’t the only thing.  Many people have come into my life who have had their own problems.  We have become friends and i’ve been able to help them out in some way and then the friendship has drifted a part as they moved onto their ‘better’ life while i was left standing ‘still’ and hurt that they had gone.  This caused me to withdraw from people a fair bit because i didn’t want to get hurt by this anymore, i was missing a major thing here though.  In the last few days i’ve been reminded of my role in life as a ‘protector’.  Protector of what i’m not sure but part of that role has been to help people move forwards in their lives and i should have been focusing on the positive side of this rather than the negative.  The fact that the people have been able to move forwards is a wonderful thing and the part i’ve played in that (however small) is a good thing.  Anyone who knows me knows how much i beat myself up over things and always feel like a failure but if i  truly look at the bigger picture i can see that in reality, that’s not totally true.  I have done some good things in my life.  If i have been able to help people to move forward and they’ve walked away to better things then that is what it should all be about!! not me thinking about myself and feeling abandoned.  That’s just selfish.  I know where it comes from, it comes from childhood issues that people walking away bring forwards.  However, as part of my transformation now, it is time for me to welcome people into my life who i may be able to help and then, if they choose to not be connected to me anymore, then that’s ok, because they are on their own path and heading towards better things.  Of course, if any of my close friends walked away i’d be totally devastated and i truly hope that won’t happen.

I feel these transformations i’m talking about are achievable ones and i hope the Frog will stay by my side and help give me the courage to achieve these.  I know there will be conflicting posts on here about things said on this post, that is all part of D.I.D but seeing those conflicts is a good thing for me as it helps to see what issues others inside our body  have

 

Animal Spirit Guide – The Frog

One of my animal spirit guides at the moment is the frog and I’m so grateful because of issues I have going on in my life so to know the Frog is by my side is a big comfort……

The Frog helps to cleanse away negative energies and toxic energies.  He also helps with releasing emotions and this in turn helps us to be able to heal ourselves.  Frogs are associated with water and this brings the connection to tears.  Many of us hold our tears in, keeping many emotions held inside, causing a block to our healing.  Letting those tears flow can help to release those pent up emotions and hurts and enable us to move forwards in life….

The Frog changes from tadpole to frog and is a symbol of transformation.  When the Frog is with you, you can be sure that changes are taking place in life, these changes can either be spiritual ones or to do with daily events in your life.  It is also about awakening and embracing your creativity.  Now is the time to embrace who you are, help yourself to heal and help others to heal.  Release all the negativity inside you and move forwards and release any negative feelings you holding towards other people……

The Frogs connection to water reminds us to drink plenty of water to help keep our bodies and minds balanced.  Dehydration not only affects our bodies but also our brains and this can affect how we feel, how we think and keep us generally out of sync with life.  Regular swimming sessions can have a positive effect on how we feel, studies have shown that regular swimming sessions can increase feelings of positivity by 35%, quality of sleep by 40% and energy levels by 51%….

If you finding yourself repeating old patterns in life that are no longer serving you for your highest good and the highest good of all then it’s time to find new ways to move ahead…..

It’s time to face the parts of yourself that you don’t like and that you hide away.  Accepting every part of yourself is the only way to allow yourself to heal, to find ways of changing what you don’t like about yourself into things you do like.  Allow the beauty inside you to shine!!

 

This world

This world scares me to the point that i find it hard to stay in it.  It  doesn’t make sense to me, i’m lost, in a void that i can’t get out of.  I am tired of fighting for my life, of fighting to breathe, of having to constantly find the energy to keep going

I’m tired of being scared, of having to keep finding my way, of living a life full of paranoia, of fighting forces inside and outside of me.  I feel so alone, so vulnerable and just so scared