My diary – mentions suicidal thoughts

trigger warning for people – mention of suicidal thoughts and actions

me ‘i’ am not suicidal but there are ones that are and at the moment my body is physically hurting from trying to stop them.  My arms are throbbing, aching to be cut badly and the rest of my body feels as if it’s got things crawling all over it, my head is in hyper mode…I hear this internal voice going over and over ‘j put a noose around her neck and died’ talking about me in the past tense as if i’ve already done it.  I am fighting this with every thing i can draw from my reserves but my god it’s hard.

I don’t know the ‘exact’ reason that has caused this, what i do know is that ones that want to die were either taught what to do or others split off during trauma and the only escape they know is to find a way out

my memory is still pretty much fucked.  i know we’ve been out today for someone’s birthday and although what was going on was mostly hidden, the signs were there that something was wrong.  I can’t normally eat much at one sitting but we ate a three course meal and i was so hungry i could have eaten it all over again.  This is another way of hurting us, someone makes us eat and eat and we never feel full

it’s hard knowing that some of us were taught by abusers how to damage our body.  it’s hard facing the fact that they took their time to teach us how to do these self harm things.  they planned in advance what they were going to do.  it’s a hard thing to face

My diary…..

I don’t know where my spiritual side has gone…i’ve been cut off from her and really hope we  are reunited again soon!!  Looking back i can see differences, when our spiritual side is out, she does spiritual things and not general talking…i know this leaves people wondering why i’m not talking to them but it’s not a case of intentionally ignoring people, it’s just that that’s what she does..spiritual stuff.  I miss her!

Something happened in therapy the other week which caused a big switch inside, in our internal world.  It was like a revolving door went round and i ended up in a new place inside and one big problem with this is that the others inside i’m used too went round with it and now we are separated.  My t thinks this is because we are getting close to uncovering ‘secrets’ and some inside don’t want this to happen so they are doing what they were taught to do and sabotage healing.  I have very few memories at the moment, i’ve ‘lost’ a lot of stuff and t thinks it’s because when the door went round i got separated from my memories.  It’s so hard to get my head around this and how something like that could happen and yet t talks about it as if it’s ok, it’s not a problem and we will sort it out…will we??

I feel like i’m a quarter of a person because i remember so little and this new place inside is so strange to me.  I’m not ‘me’, not that i know exactly who ‘me’ is!!  Others inside kept taking my words in therapy, the only time i could talk properly was to slag myself off by repeating what those internal voices are telling me, that i’m a shit person, evil, the dregs of the earth.  I can’t describe what it’s like to not be able to use words, to be silenced by those inside.  And at the moment i’m struggling a lot with day to day stuff, i’m not adult enough right now to cope.  T said that a plan would be to work on getting the revolving door to go round again so that i can go and join the others but when i try to think of this i feel a big black hole inside, like i’m standing on the edge about to fall in so i have to stop thinking about it..i have to stop thinking about healing.

Right now i think i have to recognise i’m a person trying to heal from trauma and in intensive therapy….it’s not working by trying to ignore it and carry on as if everything is ok.  I have the new 14 yr old very close to me a lot of the time and her fear is debilitating and i’m not adult enough to cope properly with life and so, for now at least, i have to accept that…accept that i can’t be who people think i am and give myself time to get through this.  I know it means that i can’t take part in things i normally take part in but for now that has to be ok, i need to heal…’we’ need to work through this in order to come through to the other side.  I am a terrified 14 yr old girl, who spends most of her time shaking and jumps at the slightest noise

 

Miss America: A Survivor’s Story

An amazing lady

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Paranoia…..

Paranoia is pretty extreme with me right now.  Some things have happened lately and it’s kicked off a lot inside and i keep hearing those internal voices saying ‘people don’t like me’, ‘people hate me’ and i’m struggling to keep my head above water with this.  My logical head is saying it’s not true but those voices playing those same messages over and over, are getting harder to ignore….

I’m spending my time with people constantly questioning myself – are they only talking to me because they feel they have too? are they only spending time with me because they feel obligated too?…

I’m questioning everything and whether people really can see the badness laying inside me.  I’m having to push myself to talk to people, not because i don’t want to talk to them but because i’m wondering if i’m forcing myself on people who would really rather walk away and i shouldn’t be forcing anyone to have to have contact with me

My diary

i had a day stuck in bed yesterday and was all over the place and decided i wanted to reduce one of my medications because i want to find out if it’s that giving me such a foggy head or if it’s because how i am…

i spoke to my gp on the phone who said he needed to speak to my mental health experts first, apparently he had no idea they discharged me at the beginning of the year with no follow up advice at all.  The mental health people initially gave me some medication that really helped me with my cycles of higher and lower moods and i thought it was fantastic and then one day they said i couldn’t take it any more because of the long term side effects and they couldn’t help me anymore because i’m seeing a counsellor.  I was told to stop my medication straight away, not reduce it or anything…..

welll, when i explained this to my gp yesterday he was not happy at all.  He said my medication should have been reduced and i should have been watched while that was happening (my gp has seen me at my worst and knows how ill i get) so he’s writing to the mental health people and giving them a telling off….this makes me so happy that he’s taken me seriously because they sure didn’t and they make me feel like i was a piece of crap….

i so so grateful for people out there who do listen!!

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the new 14 yr old

Thanks to kat’s comment i suddenly had a flash of music helping so was researching music from 1982 when this song popped up and seems to be helping so far so i’m leaving it on here for us to come back to when we need too

My head is not a good place to be….My diary

I am struggling so much to remain an adult at the moment, i managed to have two brief conversations with friends and it feels like it was a massive thing to do, i’m so grateful they are so patient with me ♥♥  I keep hearing the number 14 so i’m presuming that’s the age of whoever it is i have with me, this new one, who came out for the first time in counselling today…..

the problem is is that everything has changed for her, she’s still stuck in the past and we’ve moved on by 30 odd years so it’s major confusion and fear at the moment..the fear is the strongest.  I feel like i want to curl up in a corner so i know thats what she wants to do and i’m desperately trying not too but it means that i’m struggling really hard and my head is really banging….

how i’d love to escape right now, love to feel free for just a little while but for now i’m going to have to be a terrified 14 yr old

Strength – My diary

I sent t an email yesterday cancelling the appointment but he’s never actually accepted me leaving yet even though i’ve done it numberous times and he kept the appointment open for today and because of this ‘thing’ i have deep inside, where i cannot not attend something like an appointment, i went……

i knew a long time before we even set off for counselling that i wasn’t on my own, there was another insider with me and as it got closer to the session time, the pains in the body from body memories were getting unbearable and i was just so so cold.  Although I know very little about what happened to this younger one, I’m not going to share what i know on here..i’m going to write about it in a private post instead as i don’t want to write about gruesome stuff on here…but it did get me to thinking about the strength we have all have inside of us, strength that we don’t realise or see that we have a lot of the time…..

One particular time of strength that popped into my mind was when petrol was thrown up my front door and set alight the early hours of one morning.  Fortunately I was still awake as i had quite a few children sleeping in all the bedrooms due to a sleepover and they were all quite young.  When I realised there was a fire i had no time to call for emergency  help, i had to do something to help those little people  fast asleep upstairs and there was no way i would have got them all out in safety so my only option was to tackle the fire myself and because it was getting out of had pretty quickly, the only way i could put it out was using my hands.  A miracle happened that night because i didn’t even suffer any burns.  This isn’t about me bigging myself up here because anyone would have done the same thing, the reason i am writing about this is because when it counts, we ‘all’ have that hidden strength that helps us when we need it.  We are all far more capable of coping with a lot more than we realise….

This then got me thinking about ‘our’ internal strength.  I went for it today and asked t how many of us there are, apparently there are over 50…i still haven’t got over that shock and not really sure how to handle that but anyway, it did get me thinking about all those others internally, and them each taking some of the bad stuff that happened, the strength they had to get through what they were put through at the time and then hold those memories for a very long time.  I’ve hated them for a long time for interfering in my life in the ways that they do but the reality is that without them we wouldn’t be alive and it’s a simple  as that….

Coping with events in life is so hard at times but it’s amazing how the human mind finds ways to deal with it all and it shows exactly how strong we all, as people, are!!