My diary….

It’s been a hard week emotionally but we’ve got through.  A lot of self harming and dissociating but that’s just how it goes sometimes.  On a more positive note, it seems as if our spiritual one is coming more forwards today…i felt her presence earlier when i felt the need to do a reading but it was only temporary, i can take temporary though.  If her takes her a while to come forwards properly then that’s ok, at least i know now that she hasn’t gone for ever.

I know i came on here with the intention of writing but it’s all gone completely out of my head…a sign of how things are right now i guess!!

The girls…..

There once was a little girl who was a child model.  She was often told how pretty she was.  There was nothing  sinister about it, at least she didn’t think there was, it was proper modelling for proper organisations and the evidence was around in the ways of newspaper clippings etc.  Her memories as an adult, of all this, were very vague, she knew it happened, has seen the evidence and so on but that’s all she can recall.  As an adult she let it slip just the once to a few friends at the same time, and each one had the same shock reaction – while looking at her said ‘you were a child model!’….the unbelieving in their voices were very clear to hear.  They saw the adult standing in front of them who was anything but attractive which is why they found it so hard to digest.  This reaction confirmed things for another girl……

There once was a girl.  She was often told how ugly she was.  She was hurt by people who told her how awful she looked, called her names like slag, slut etc…these people were the adults who hurt her.  She used to have to hide her head in shame because she was told her face scared people.  She would scrub her face with a scrubbing brush to try and get rid of the ugliness…she was taught how to do this.  As an adult she was aware of these things but it was too hard to face so she continued to block out those feelings……

The pretty girl as she grew older, was taught how to make her face up etc, how to look pretty, men preferred pretty girls.

There once was a girl, about 16 yrs of age who got ready to go out with friends for the night.  The friends were used to seeing the day time girl, the school girl, the ugly girl and when she walked in, with her face made up her friends stood there in shock.  No one spoke they just stared at her.  Eventually she broke the silence by asking if she’d dressed wrong or something and her friends replied ‘no, just can’t believe how beautiful you look’.  This sent the girl spiralling downwards and she had to make an important decision that night – did she join the girls who were told they were ugly? or did she join the girls who had make up on and told they were pretty? Joining the ones who were told they were pretty would mean joining the ones who had been used by men for their own sexual need and so her only option was to join the ones who were told they were ugly.  From that moment on she stopped putting any effort in, she joined the others in letting her skin go bad, in doing everything possible to make sure that the earlier words by adults ‘that they were ugly’ were reaffirmed.  She was no longer going to make herself up so that she looked anything other than ugly.  She knew that some of the other girls were making themselves up to look as good as they could for reasons she didn’t want to have to face

These girls are all in the same body

 

the last 24 hours

I’ve lived the last week just waiting for counselling to come around so that we could work on me going back and joining the others inside that i’m used too..even though i can’t remember who they are :/.  unfortunately we didn’t get to do that because someone inside tried to overdose last night and took too many tablets and because of that it meant the head was affected and was no good for doing the work we were going to do so now i have to wait until next week.  another week of living in this!! the only one to blame for this is the one who took the tablets, i don’t know if it was to sabotage counselling or whether it was done through their pain but my sympathy is none existant right now because due to them, i have to stay where i am and that sucks far more than i explain in words

on the plus side though A, i think it was A? was able to talk about some of her art work although i think she’s in a bad place right now and we connected a bit with a new one, well, i say new, i recognise her from a long time a go but she isn’t anyone i want to know.  That sounds awful i know but i can’t deal with her emotions, they are so intense, the feeling of abandonment, rejection, the complete knowing that know one will care about her and i gave her more proof of that.  i saw her inside, this little girl who was in need of love and she held her hand out to  me and i ignored it.  i don’t want to have to connect to those feelings, i left them a long time a go.  i have managed extremely successful working careers by not being attached to those feelings, by moving forwards away from all the shit.  i can’t work at the moment but i have to believe that one day i will, that belief is the only thing i have to hold on  to, that i can go back to my role of going to work and not having to face or think about any of that.  i know this doesn’t help that little girl but i can’t help her, i don’t want to help her, i have far too much going on already and yes i know the damage i’m causing by ignoring her.  i don’t want to hurt her but i can’t let myself be dragged into her intense feelings.

i don’t know if she is connected to the pictures taken of us as a child.  at the moment my head won’t rest because someone wants C to know about the connection of the pictures and the poem.  i don’t understand why.  i pushed those pictures way back to the back of my mind so when they came into my head during counselling today and about the police, i didn’t understand where they came from.  this is about someone else not me but whoever it is, is desperate to be acknowledged and desperate for the connection to be made but i don’t have a clue what the connection is

i’m lost in a body that is suffering due to the overdose, although we are recovering from that now and i’m lost because i could have died last night

Dissociative Identity Disorder

The following is a clip of Kim Noble who lives with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  This is how it is for Kim but D.I.D can present in different ways for different people.

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Introduction-to-Kim-Nobles-Multiple-Personalities-Video

My shopping trip

I figured i’d go into town on my own today, to get away from things for a while and buy some new craft stuff.  It wasn’t a good idea considering how triggered  we are right now!!

As soon as i got into town the incontinence started, this was enough to spoil things right from the start but i also found myself avoiding main parts of town because of someone inside who constantly keeps reminding me how ugly we are so we try to hide from as many people as possible.  There was a conversation in my head with others inside and things like ‘hide your face’ and ‘put a look on that says you don’t care you are ugly’ being said.  URGH

i really don’t need these reminders, i already know it all

at one point i wanted to sit down and weep but had to keep reminding myself i was in town and couldn’t.  i tried to focus on getting the craft stuff but had to stop after a certain point because others were starting to spend money we just don’t have!

all in all it was pretty shit

artwork ‘invisible’

Called ‘invisible’

because that is how i always felt

by A

Fear

Fear

She sits on the bed, motionless

knees drawn up to her chest

hugging them tightly

arms frozen, unable to let go

she can’t hear any sounds outside her own body

she can feel and hear her heart pounding

the bed jolting in reaction to how hard her heart is beating

gushing sounds inside her ears

her head feeling like it is going to explode

her whole body feeling like insects are crawling all over it

she is unable to speak

unable to whisper

unable to scream

this is what it’s like to be crippled with fear

by A

artwork – ‘distortion’

‘distortion’ by A

sometimes

sometimes i wish i could tell when people really care and not be scared no more.  it feels wrong to be writing on here but we all need our own place.  a place for us to be us.  no one has to read it. just do not want anyone to judge us.  i can’t tell anyone what happened to me, it will make people go away.  sometimes i want someone to be like a parent to me.  i want someone to love me for who i am but that will never happen.  i am 14 and cut my arm all the time.  i cut it and cut it to let the pain out

A

my input

we experienced ritual abuse, bullying, domestic abuse and then hate crime.  it really isn’t so surprising that we find it so hard to make it in this world sometimes

i don’t feel the emotional impact of these things, those emotions are carried with others inside, i just tend to keep myself to myself because it’s the easiest way.  it’s so hard to trust people

the ritual abuse isn’t something you can explain in words and i wouldn’t want to try.  talking about it means that is it something that happened and it’s not something i want to admit happened.  the bullying at school was because we were different, people could pick up that things weren’t right with us and we became an easy target because the ritual abuse had left us unable to defend ourselves.  the domestic abuse happened because others inside were so desperate for love from a man/used to being hurt by men, that they didn’t turn away from the signs.  he made them feel totally unloveable with his words and actions.  luckily that relationship ended a long time a go.  the hate crime happened because we lived in an area we hadn’t grown up in and that meant we were outsiders.  the house was torched, broken into, held up against walls with knives at throats etc.  i’m making out here that our life was all bad but it wasn’t.  we did have people who loved us

our abusers taught us well, they taught us how to return home and make out nothing had happened, how to hide it all and we did that really well.  there were a few of us who were the ‘front covers’ so to speak who went out in the every day world and hid it all.  that was our job and we did it well.  not well enough that people didn’t notice differences in us because they did but well enough that no one knew what was going on behind the scenes.  through everything, the abuse, the bullying, the domestic violence and the hate crime we kept going, either through school or working full time while raising a family.  the mind isn’t something that can keep going through all that and not suffer, you can’t experience 40 years of abuse in different ways and not suffer because of it and that is where we are at right now

something bad happened to us at the beginning of this year and then a couple of months a go something bad happened with some people online.  we carried on going as much as we could but we reached our limit.  i’m  not blaming those people we had the problems with online, its just that theirs was the final nail in the coffin so to speak.  we have had a breakdown.  all those insecurities and fear that others inside suffer from have come to the surface and in a way we are drowning but in another we aren’t

part of my job to be the ‘front cover’ was to not let ‘us’ slide, it makes sense when you think the initial abusers wanted us to be available to them whenever they wanted us while being their cover to the outside world and hiding everything they were doing.  i was taught that if i let things ‘slide’ then i am a failure and i guess, although i don’t experience emotions as such, i feel like a failure right now in that we are not capable of being active in the world.  right now i think it’s a good job we are doing a psychology degree because it’s helped me realise how traumatic events can affect the mind and that every person reaches a  point at sometime in their life where they crack

we are each struggling to keep control and do what we need to do and that is the reason i think that we are switching so much.  we spend much of our time sitting rocking back and forwards in a chair because our ability to do many things has left us for the time being.  the most important thing for us right now is to accept we’ve had this breakdown and not beat ourselves up for it because it will only cause extra stress which we can’t cope with right now

by j