About me……

oh gosh,  i’m so not sure if i’m doing the right thing here or not.  I wasn’t going to write about this at all on here but it’s part of who i am and by not writing about it, it’s interfering with my writing because i’m so conscious of things not seeming right, especially to my friends, so, here goes –

i have dissociative identity disorder, previously known as multiple personality disorder.  I realise that this condition freaks a lot of people out which is why so few people in my life know about it.  People know something is wrong, they aren’t stupid, they see me go from being one way one minute to another way the next, for example – being on a high and none stop talking to suddenly not being able to talk at all.  I have lost many people in my life because of this, i havn’t told them about what it’s called in the fear that they would walk away but they have walked away anyway and i don’t blame them for that at all –

People see me as odd and that fills me up so much with shame because i’m unable to do anything about it.  I do have people who have stayed by my side without knowing the condition i have and i am so grateful to have those people in my life –

I have no idea how many other personalities there are inside me, i asked my counsellor to stop telling me after he told me there were over 20 because i couldn’t face it.  I always knew there were a couple but had no idea about the rest.  That probably sounds strange, how could i not know!! but i didn’t and i don’t.  I lose time and try to figure out whats happened during that time i’ve lost and that’s about as much as i know –

From what i know their ages go from young children up to adults and each one has different needs – i only know about that from what my counsellor has told me and what i’ve read about this condition.  It’s interesting that some people don’t believe this condition exists.  There are  medical professionals who know without doubt that it’s real and try to fight for people like me and then there are other medical professionals who don’t believe it exists at all.  I’m sure if they were to spend just half a day inside my head, they would be left with no doubt at all –

My t refers to it as a survival mechanism, it was a way of coping with things that happened and as much as i try to see it in that way, i still hate myself for being like this.  My hubby is very good and tries to understand as much as he can.  He spends time with a 14 yr old who goes by a different name to me – yes i understand if that sounds really freaky –

Things are really bad here at the moment with some inside wanting to die and others inside wanting to self harm.  The self harmers won early this morning because it was either let them do what they wanted or let the suicide ones win..i couldn’t compete with them all.  I guess it sounds weird to hear that i had to allow them to self harm in order to stay alive…..

Two of my friends T and T saved my life this morning..i don’t know yet if they realise that!! After the self harming had happened i really hoped things would ease but others inside wanted to take it further and i was fighting a losing battle, however, i had a message from two beautiful friends and although they didn’t know what the problem was, they knew i was in trouble and it’s their caring that made me realise i just have to keep on fighting…..

I can’t explain why these dark feelings are there, I know they are there but they aren’t ‘my’ issues, they belong to others inside and i don’t understand why.  My friends are so lovely and give me the option to talk to them but what can i say when i don’t understand it myself?? –

I have many fabulous things going on in my life and don’t want to die but it isn’t ‘me’ who wants too.  I have lost people in my life through suicide and i desperately don’t want to put other people through the after effects of something like that.  The first one i can recall was when i was around 8, i was with a male adult family friend and he asked me to go sit on his lap and when i did he started crying and asked me not to tell anyone so i didn’t.  It wasn’t long after that when he took is  own life and i know that if i hadn’t of kept my promise and told someone, he would still be alive today.  My logical head reminds me that at 8 i probably wouldn’t have understood properly but my heart cries for him often and i so wish i could get that moment back and speak out for him.  I don’t want to put other people through that but i can’t help what goes on inside of me –

I know i am in trouble and i’m going to try and get emergency help today, this just adds to the shame but i know how much it is needed at the moment.  I am fighting with every breath i have but sometimes i think i’m just fighting against something that is going to happen anyway but i will still try!!